Office Humor

FW: He said/ She said

2006-09-30T12:41:00.000-07:00

He Said/She Said

He said . . .. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . . " I do not"

Q.How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A.Both of them.

Q.How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A.He buys two cases of beer.

Q.What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A.The bonds mature.

Q..Why are blonde jokes so short?
A.So men can remember them.

QHow many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A.We don't know; it has never happened.

Q.What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A.. A widow.

Q.Why are married women heavier than single women?
A.Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.

Q.What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
A.They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

FW: Optical illusion

2006-09-25T09:09:00.000-07:00

Subject: Fw: Optical illusion

This is - without question - the best optical illusion I've ever seen...
If you stare at the image long enough, you should see a giraffe...

Fw: this is great

2006-09-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

Subject: FW: SMARTER WOMEN
>
>
>
>ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

>
>
>Smart man + smart woman = romance
>
>Smart man + dumb woman = affair

>
>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
>
>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
>
>
>
>OFFICE ARITHMETIC
>
>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
>
>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
>
>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
>
>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
>
>

>
>SHOPPING MATH
>
>
>A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
>
>A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
>
>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
>>
>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
>>
>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
>
>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
>
>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
>
>HAPPINESS
>
>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
>
>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
>her at all.
>
>LONGEVITY
>
>Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more
>willing to die.
>
>
>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
>
>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
>
>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
>
>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
>
>A woman has the last word in any argument.
>
>Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
>
>HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
>
>
>Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
>same thing to them at funerals.
>

>
>SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW
>CAN HANDLE IT.
>

FW: Some deep thoughts

2006-09-24T12:02:00.001-07:00

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

          2. A day without sunshine is like...night.

          3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

          4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

          5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

          6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

          7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

          8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

          9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

          10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

          11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

          12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

          13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

          14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

          15. OK, . . . . so what's the speed of dark?

          16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

          17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness! pays off now.

          18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

          19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

          20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

          21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

          22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

          23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

          24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

          25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

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How Smart is Your Right Foot?

2006-09-24T12:02:00.000-07:00

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it Make sure you pass this on to your friends...they won't be able to believe it either!!